Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Bart: Come on, Dad. If TV has taught me anything, it’s that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it’s gonna happen to us.
Homer:Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
Homer:Homer no function beer well without.
Moe: Moe’s Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
Moe: Hold on, I’ll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely!
Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…
Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!
Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
Nelson: Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
Homer:That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
Homer: Save me, Jeebus.
Homer:Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Homer:If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
Homer:I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.
Homer:I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
Mayor Quimby: I stand by my racial slur.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?
Homer: Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
Chief Wiggum: Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!
Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.
Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
Homer: You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.